the end of an era

Yesterday, I put my dear cat of fourteen and three quarter years down. She had a tumor that was growing at an insane rate on her rump, and had started to cause her to be in a constant low-grade pain. Her movements were getting more and more constrained, and she was losing interest in food. (She would only eat yogurt and only when it was put right in front of her.) No doubt she could have hung on for another few days, maybe a week, maybe longer. But not much, and I couldn't bear to see her struggle to jump. I am, today, heartbroken, and wondering whether I did the right thing, or rather, whether I picked the right time. And the real answer is of course that no time is the right time, and if I was off by a few days or a few weeks even, she was still spared pain.

I have to say, though, the whole procedure was horrific. I had thought that I would go in, and she would get a shot and I would leave. But the procedure was somewhat protracted. First the vet tranquilized her, and once the sedative had taken over he took her out of the bag and laid her on the table. She was so limp and lifeless -- the only thing that moved was her breath, but her eyes were open, and I kept assuming she was conscious. I now think she wasn't but rather that her muscles were paralyzed by the sedative. I just kept stroking her as she breathed. I wish I had picked her up. And held her. But she looked so foreign -- as if she were already not my cat anymore. And then the vet came and shaved her leg and injected her vein with the euthanizing solution and then in seconds she was no longer breathing and was dead. I just wish I had held her as she died. Why didn't I pick her up? This is the first time I have been through this first hand, this close, and I didn't know. No doubt there will be a next time, and next time I will know.

Yesterday, I started to remember all the good moments. At various points in our life together. Before this year, before she was sick. And that made me feel good. I know that in a few days the rawness of this experience will be gone, and I will start to feel better, but right now, I have to say that this is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I haven't sobbed so hard since my grandfather died, and I was in the theatre seeing 'Breaking the Waves'. Grief is one of the few emotions we feel in an unmediated way.